


I Don't Even Own a Podcast

by coraxes



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Modern AU, Screenplay/Script Format, podcast au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coraxes/pseuds/coraxes
Summary: The worst part about doing a bad book podcast is explaining your purchases to the judgmental bookstore owner.





	I Don't Even Own a Podcast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scornandivory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scornandivory/gifts).



> So this fic was inspired by a similar moment in [I Don't Even Own a Television](http://www.idontevenownatelevision.com/), a bad book podcast that you should all listen to. One of the hosts talked about dealing with judgmental bookstore owners and, as I told the group chat, all I could think of was "imagine your OTP" because that's how I am.
> 
> Completely unrelated, this anonymous prompt showed up in my tumblr inbox: "hey. if you're taking requests then can i get perc'ildan au where vax keeps buying shitty books from the bookstore percy works at to mock with vex but now now vax is just like "oh no he's hot and he thinks i unironically wanted to read ready player one"? if you're not taking requests then... homophobic."

**Episode 37: Fifty Shades of Grey [E]  
** Pageburners – February 12, 2015

[THEME MUSIC – “OXFORD COMMA,” VAMPIRE WEEKEND]

VAX: Hello and welcome to _Pageburners_ , a podcast where two siblings read bad books and regret their life choices. I’m your host, Vex—

VEX: And I’m Vax.

VAX: Wait a second.

VEX: Yeah, that’s not right. I’m Vex, he’s Vax.

VAX: You can just call me Dan if that’s easier.

VEX: We didn’t confuse thirteen years’ worth of school teachers to take the easy way out now.

VAX: True. So this week we’re doing some topical shit—how about that _Fifty Shades_ movie coming out tomorrow?

VEX: Yeah, we got so many fucking requests for this one, you guys. And, you know…it honestly wasn’t that bad.

VAX: _Really_?

VEX: Look, I read a lot of fanfiction, and this was—basically bad fanfiction. Shit, but much easier to get through than the kind of shit like _Ender’s Game,_ for example.

VAX: You must really want hate mail this week.

VEX: Bury me in it. I laugh at your rage. [EXAGERRATED WITCH CACKLE]

VAX: This was easily the worst book-buying experience I’ve had for this podcast, though.

VEX: Oh, really? [CHAIR SQUEAKS] Do tell, brother.

VAX: Yeah, so, I never want to give these authors money, right? And also I’m broke and the library doesn’t carry most of this shit. So every week I’m down at this local place, Whitestone Used Books. And almost every time, the cashier has been the same.

VEX: Oh, god.

VAX: Yeah. And like—he’s damn cute, right? And you know I’m me.

VEX: Listeners, let’s just say I got all the charm in this family.

VAX: Not _all_ of it. Ninety percent, maybe.

VEX: Ninety-five.

VAX: Ninety-three, and that’s the highest I’ll go. Don’t you smize at me. Anyway, the usual cashier’s got a whole look going on—white hair, glasses, a little bit punky and/or steamy. And every time I see him I can just tell he’s judging me. Like, he doesn’t say anything. But I know.

Except _this_ time, I go up to the counter with _Fifty Shades of Grey,_ right—

VEX: Oh no.

VAX: And he just _looks_ at me and I can’t like, trip him or anything in revenge. So I say the first thing that comes to my mind, which is—

VEX: Oh _no._

VAX: “Oh, this isn’t just for me, me and my sister read these together.”

VEX: You _didn’t_! [RETCHING NOISE] Vax, oh my god, you dummy.

VAX: And it was so stupid because I could’ve just said, you know, we do a podcast. But I was too scared about what other dumb shit my brain would come up with, so I just left him to sit on that one.

VEX: [DISGUSTED NOISE]

VAX: And I have to go back there next week!

VEX: Good luck with that. Keep me updated.

VAX: Will do. _So,_ now that I’m done embarrassing myself, let’s get to talking about the thrilling romance of [POMPOUS ACCENT] Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele…

[TRANSITION MUSIC – “S&M,” RIHANNA]

* * *

**Episode 38: Rush Revere and the American Revolution [E]  
** Pageburners – February 19, 2015 

[THEME MUSIC]

VAX: Hello, and welcome to—

VEX: — _Pageburners,_ a podcast where siblings let each other take turns. And read awful books.

VAX: [CHUCKLING] Okay then! Message received.

VEX: It’s alright. This time.

[PAUSE]

VAX: …So are you going to do the intro?

VEX: Oh, yeah. I’m Vex, he’s Dan.

VAX: That’s right, and today we’re reading Rush Limbaugh’s self-insert fanfiction, _Rush Revere and the American Revolution._

VEX: Get any judgmental looks this week?

VAX: _Did_ I. [EXAGGERATED SIGH] When I went to buy this thing, he gave the most disdainful little [SNIFF] I’ve ever heard in my life. And then he goes [POMPOUS VOICE] “I suppose you’ll try to say this is for your sister, too?”

VEX: [CACKLING]

VAX: So I was like, “Maybe I should explain better.” And he goes, “Seems unlikely but I’d love to hear you try it.”

VEX: [CACKLING INTENSIFIES]

VAX: And I’m like, does your boss know you’re such an arsehole to your customers? Turns out that he owns the fucking store.

VEX: Vax, your life is my favorite sitcom.

VAX: Yeah, yeah. Gets a lot less exciting after that. I just told him about the podcast, so, you know. If we get three downloads for this episode instead of two, it’s because I recruited him.

VEX: Didn’t you say he was hot last time?

VAX: I did.

VEX: [SUGGESTIVELY] Hmm.

VAX: I’m sure he knows. We going to talk about the fucking book this week or what?

VEX: Ugh, fine. Honestly, this book was horrible and I wanted to put it off, but if you insist…

[TRANSISTION MUSIC – “AMERICAN IDIOT,” GREEN DAY]

* * *

 

 **Episode 41: Ender’s Game [E]  
** Pageburners – March 12, 2015

[TIMESTAMP: 10:40 / -55:49]

VAX: So I showed this to Freddie—and let me tell you, you could _see_ the cartoon smoke coming out of his ears when he realized we were covering _Ender’s Game_ —

VEX: Wait, who’s Freddie?

VAX: Oh, er, the bookstore owner. Not his real name, but y’know, not everyone wants their real name broadcasted to an audience of…dozens.

VEX: Are you still talking to him, then?

VAX: Can’t exactly avoid the guy. Freddie’s alright. Pretentious as shit, but we all have our faults.

VEX: Speak for yourself. I’m perfect.

VAX: Vex, you aren’t allowed to lie on the internet.

* * *

**Episode 46: Necroscope [E]  
** Pageburners – April 16, 2015

[TIMESTAMP: 2:38 / -1:00:51]

VEX: So this…delightful book was suggested by friend of the show, Freddie. Vax, why don’t you tell our listeners how that happened?

VAX: He was literally reading it when I walked in last week. I went to the counter to check out and he just went [GIGANTIC SIGH] [POMPOUS ACCENT] “Take this, I’m sure you’ll get more out of it than I will.”

VEX: You got it for free?

VAX: I got it for free.

VEX: Damn.

VAX: Watch out, sister. You’re not the only twin charming shopkeepers out of their merchandise anymore.

VEX: Good luck catching up to me, though.

VAX: I’ll get there. Now that Gilmore’s opened up an Etsy store, all bets are off.

* * *

**Episode 48: Flowers in the Attic [E]  
** Pageburners – April 30, 2015

[TIMESTAMP: 57:06 / -8:21]

VAX: So it looks like that’s all the letters—want to wrap up?

VEX: No, there’s one more.

VAX: What?

VEX: Yeah, I wanted it to be a surprise. This one is from Cassandra Fake Last Name. [CLEARS THROAT] “Hello, Vex and Vax. I’m a new listener; my brother, ‘Freddie,’ recently introduced me.”

VAX: Oh god.

VEX: “Just so you know, Vax, he thinks you’re pretty hot too.”

VAX: [LAUGHING] What the fuck?

VEX: I thought that would be a nice way to end the show this week. Don’t you think so?

VAX: Let the record show that I had no knowledge of or part in this. But also if I had known I definitely would have read the letter out loud myself. Freddie, you beautiful bastard, I knew it.

* * *

**Episode 51: Stranger in a Strange Land (ft. special guest) [E]  
** Pageburners – May 21, 2015

[THEME MUSIC]

VEX: Hello and welcome to Pageburners, a podcast where we complain about classic sci-fi novels written by old white men. I’m Vex.

VAX: And I’m Vax.

PERCY: And I’m—Freddie, is that it?

VEX: If you like. You can use your real name, you know.

PERCY: Freddie works, I think. I’d rather not have my real—[MUFFLED THUD] Damn, sorry.

VEX: Everything okay over there?

VAX: I’ve only got the one mic so it’s a little cozy.

PERCY: Is that the word?

VAX: What, are you not comfortable?

PERCY: You’re just very—[CLEARS THROAT] I’m fine.

VAX: Good.

PERCY: Yes.

VEX: Gross.

\--

[TIMESTAMP: 23:11 / -48:06]

PERCY: …What was I saying?

VEX: Lost your train of thought?

VAX: He just got lost in my eyes. It’s fine, it could happen to anyone.

PERCY: I hope not.

VAX: Just you, then. Better?

PERCY: Much.

VEX: _Gross_.

\--

[TIMESTAMP: 1:07:20 / -3:57]

VEX: So I think that’s about it. And can I just say, it was _lovely_ to meet you, Freddie.

PERCY: You as well.

VAX: Any chance you want to do this again sometime?

PERCY: If you’ll have me, I think so.

VAX: Oh, I’d love to have you.

VEX: [LONG, DRAWN-OUT GROAN]

VAX: [LAUGHING]

VEX: I take it back. Freddie, you’re banned.

* * *

**Episode 52: Wild Animus (ft. special guest) [E]  
** Pageburners – May 28, 2015

[TIMESTAMP: 53:07 / -10:21]

VAX: So here we have a letter from Pike Fake-Last-Name that says, “So are Freddie and Vax dating or what?” Thanks, Pike, I don’t know why you didn’t just text me.

VEX: Because you’d ignore it. And we got about fifteen people asking the same thing.

PERCY: It’s a good question.

VAX: I didn’t realize this was a reality dating podcast.

VEX: Have you listened to last week’s episode at all?

PERCY: He hasn’t answered the first question yet, Vex—don’t confuse him.

VAX: It’s not just _my_ decision, you know. Don’t give me that look, P[BEEP]. I mean—do you want to be?

VEX: [SOFTLY] Oh my god.

PERCY: Well, of course.

VAX: [MOCKINGLY] Of course.

PERCY: Not if you keep doing that.

VAX: I don’t know if this will work, then.

PERCY: [SIGH] I’ll try to manage.

VAX: Good.

PERCY: Good.

VEX: You two are so _stupid._

VAX: We just had that entire conversation on mic, didn’t we.

PERCY: You can cut it out.

VEX: No, you can’t.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written much CR modern AU, or Perc'ildan, or any script format stuff, so comments would be much appreciated. And, of course, kudos are always nice. <3


End file.
